AVOIDING SUFFERING IN MARRIAGE PART 27:
THE As-Zs OF NEVERS:
S-SEXUAL REJECTION, Part 5 (8 Causes of Sexual Problem: #7)
Contrary to contemporary society (which lives after the impulses of the OSN and the dictates of KD instead of the Holy Spirit & BD) sex in so much more than a selfish, narcissistic, hedonistic, temporary fulfilling of earthly pleasure between two individuals. Quite the contrary: sex was created and designed by God for intimacy and pleasure within marriage. Licit sex is God’s plan and as such includes a spiritual and theological dimension - there is actually a transcendent aspect to it. The spiritual and theological dimension of sex in marriage is most prevalent when the husband and the wife view either other as a gift of God instead of merely a sex partner or receptacle to release lust. When the husband and wife see each other in the eyes of God (through FHS & BD) the sex takes on a certain transcendence in the realm of spiritual enjoyment, unity, and intimacy as reflected in the Word of God . Not only does the sex take on this transcendent aspect by orienting to God’s marvelous mysterious plan (Eph 5:31-32), it also frees one from all of the sexual psychological hang-ups that plague the world. This brings us to a seventh major cause of sexual problems: psychological hang-ups. Under psychological hang-ups there are at least four sexual psychological barriers to sexual fulfillment.
1) Perpetual mental attitude sins. Misunderstandings, disagreements, anger, jealousy, or distrust of one’s mate can all hinder mutual feelings of love. Sexual intercourse is an expression of love, but real love cannot coexist with bitterness, perpetual conflict, and continuing anger. As long as there is ill will in the marriage there is going to be alienation. Often the issue is simply ignored as each partner denies there is a problem, sex is avoided and studies indicate that the partners resort to autosexualism rather than work out the problems and reenter the transcendent sex that God has designed for them. As long as there are mental attitudes sins there can be no transcendence because of lack of coalescence of souls. The solution to problems related to lack of forgiveness is found in the transformation of the mind beginning with confession of these sins and expunging them through the ministry of the Holy Spirit and advancement through grace orientation and doctrinal orientation. We do not in ourselves have the power to forgive in a way that really enables love and respect to flow again. We need to get under the ministry of the Holy Spirit and let Him change our hearts (Gal 5:22-23). Never allow bitterness to take root in your soul (Heb 12:15; Eph 4:31, Col 3:19). The wife who grows in the Word of God, even if she is married to a bum, is promised an ever increasing beauty of soul that never fades, 1 Pet 3:1-6.
2) Doubts about one’s masculinity or femininity. Apparently many people go through life wondering if they are really masculine or feminine. This concern is a special problem in our society where traditional male and female roles are breaking down and where there is confusion over the meaning of masculinity and femininity. There is also the problem of comparisons with others. The male may feel totally inadequate if he compares himself to the Hollywood “studs” and “hunks” in the movies. As the female compares herself to all of those busty, thin wasted, no wrinkled, beautiful-skinned darlings that ooze with femininity and grace, she may feel like he is too fat and frumpy to ever be desired by her husband. The truth is that not every couple is going to look like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. (The fact that it did not work out between Brad and Jennifer further corroborates my point that marriage and sex is so much more than the outward beauty). The solution is found in orientation to the Word of God rather than kosmos diabolicus. As a believer continues to grow spiritually, his spouse becomes more and more attractive in his/her eyes as there is increasing orientation to the uniqueness of the spouse.
3) Fear. There are many fears which can paralyze a sexual relationship between the husband and wife. There can be fear of pregnancy, fear that sex will hurt, fear of not being able to perform adequately, fear of being compared with previous sexual partners, fear that one’s sexual advances will be rejected, fear that the penis is too small or too large, fear of losing self-control, or fear of intimacy. Each of these can be sexually inhibiting since fear and love (including sexual love) are mutually exclusive. The solution once again is found in spiritual growth which enables the believer to live free from fear and anxiety of any kind. In the FRL, DO, and PSOD the believer lives without stress - remember stress is always what you do to yourself.
4) Differences in Sexual Preferences. Sometimes there are differences in the frequency with which a husband and wife want intercourse (one may want it more frequently than the other), differences in the preferred time for intercourse (one person wants it in the morning; the other prefers to have sex at night), and differences concerning what is appropriate for a couple (one may want oral-genital contact, but the other person does not; one likes to try a variety of positions or locations for sex, but the other does not). These differences, several of which seem minor, nevertheless can create blocks to sexual satisfaction. The solution goes back to the spiritual life. It is the spiritual life that removes all of those psychological hang-ups that tend to block sexual communication and consideration of each other. Sexual communication is vital to a successful marriage relationship. “Intercourse” is the full sense of the word is involved here. It is shame, guilt, and ignorance that shuts down all communication in this area. There is no desire to talk about things that are negative. It is important for couples to communicate with each other (only!) about their sexual relationship. Through the filling of the Holy Spirit and BD, both he and she are able to do so in a beautiful and constructive way. It is the Holy Spirit who also gives us the ability to think outside of ourselves and make adjustments if need be.